Excessive Coddling: What it Means for Your Child

This occurs in situations where

• the adult trusts the child too little, is overly concerned, or frequently expresses doubts about the child’s abilities.
• tasks that the child could manage are taken away too quickly – i.e., the child is spared the effort.
• the child is showered with material possessions or excessive, inappropriate admiration.
• natural experiences of frustration are taken away from the child. The caregiver wants to spare the child frustration.
• boundaries are missing or insufficient.
• the caregiver allows the child to pressure or manipulate them.

Children who are excessively coddled, overprotected, or unboundaried may tend to the following behaviors (not an exhaustive list):

• Increased desire for power and control
  This tendency can also appear under authoritarian parenting.
  Children want to demonstrate, command, and control. They expect adults to follow their lead. If this is not possible, they often feel deeply offended and withdraw. In extreme cases, children seek constant attention – no matter the cost.
  
  
• Entitlement and unrealistic expectations of others
  These children expect all possible and impossible services from institutions and caregivers and consider them normal. They grow up expecting others to handle everything for their enjoyment. They may feel completely incapable in some areas while being highly skilled at finding people to do things for them.
  
  
• Desire to be the center of attention
  Caregivers admire the child and place them in the spotlight, especially in families where the desire for a child was long awaited. These children are often ambitious, seek special treatment, and enjoy attention. If this fails, they feel unfairly treated, unloved, or misunderstood. 

• Self-centeredness
  These children engage and show interest only when it concerns themselves. Otherwise, they appear bored or uninterested.
  
  
• Lack of social skills
  Focusing on themselves, this children usually lack the ability to empathize with the needs of others. They are used to everything revolving around them and are generally poor team players.
  
  
• Inner and/or outer loneliness
  Because these children struggle to maintain relationships on an equal level, they are often invited less frequently, causing their social circle to shrink.
  
  
• Recurring fear of new tasks or challenges
  Overprotected children eventually face tasks for which they lack the necessary skills or experience. New situations feel threatening and unmanageable. Psychological and physical reactions are common (e.g., sleep disturbances, daydreaming). As adults, some may try to cope with alcohol, medication, or other substances.
  
  
• Fluctuation between low self-esteem and overconfidence
  When confronted with reality, children may sink into deep self-doubt. When successful, their self-praise can be excessive. These swings can occur within minutes.

In general, it is difficult for people to view themselves objectively. For these children, it is almost impossible.

Caregivers carrying guilt are more likely to engage in excessive coddling or overprotection. When told that their actions may harm the child, they often resist. A grandfather might say, “I’m allowed to do so. I’m the grandfather.” This becomes problematic if the child spends a lot of time with him.

Other reasons may include:

• Culture
• Wealth as a status symbol
• Unresolved personal history
• Feelings of inadequacy or insecurity
• Dissatisfying life situations
• Parents’ fears and anxieties
• Inexperience
• Fear of not being loved by the child
• Desire for peace and quiet
• Fear of conflict
• Fear of no longer being needed (preventing the child’s independence)

A democratic parenting style provides guidance, not solutions. It teaches children to deal with logical and natural consequences, enabling learning experiences.

Adults engage with the child equally, showing interest and empathy. The child is given age-appropriate responsibility (e.g., homework), carefully introduced. Children are trusted and challenged appropriately. Encouragement is frequent, while excessive praise is avoided. Mistakes are opportunities to find solutions rather than assign blame. Caregivers support the child without taking over their responsibilities.

Rules are developed collaboratively (e.g., class or family council). Calm discussions lead to solutions; if emotions run high, conversations are postponed. Tasks the child can do independently are not done by adults (e.g., putting on a jacket). Children are challenged according to their abilities, not overwhelmed, and come to see caretakes are “on my side” rather than “doing for me”.

These steps are not a substitute for professional advice. Before implementing measures, the extent of excessive coddling and the child’s situation should be assessed, including developmental tasks.

1. Reflect reality without shaming (descriptive, not judgmental).
   
   
2. Step-by-step learning for everyday skills; avoid overloading. Small successes should be acknowledged through recognition of effort, not praise.
   
   
3. Caregivers should withhold unnecessary help and communicate this transparently. E.g.: “Starting next week, I won’t remind you about homework. Do you want to figure out how to remember on your own or together?”
   
   
4. Use fear-free language. Examples:
   Instead of “Watch out! Don’t fall!” → “The ground is icy. Look, there’s ice.”
   Instead of “Stop! Come here now!” → “Stop! This is dangerous. I’ll explain why.”
   
   
5. Learning by doing: Children experience self-efficacy and see that success comes from their own actions. They learn that feeling of frustration and fear of failure are normal and can be managed and processed, thus overcome, and that this is worthwhile and leads to self confidence.
   
   
6. Maintain humor, view the child benevolently, and convey confidence in their abilities.

Source:

Jürg Frick, The Drug of Pampering