Guiding Children Without Power Struggles?

How can you support children consistently without getting caught up in exhausting power struggles? This essay is aimed at teachers and parents who want to understand children in difficult situations and support them in an encouraging way.

When behavior is a cry for help

Childish behavior is influenced by many factors: personality, family dynamics, cultural background, and the respective stage of development - all play a role. Children in any school age are under pressure to perform, are compared with their peers, and often receive feedback on their abilities. This can easily undermine their self-esteem, their sense of belonging, and their feeling of “I am good enough.” If these inner conflicts are not recognized, adults quickly get caught up in power struggles — and thus unintentionally reinforce the challenging behavior.

A child who behaves in a way that is perceived as “difficult” is usually feeling discouraged, and may lack a feeling of being in connection, and is seeking belonging or validation through inappropriate means. Often, there are four false goals behind this behavior:

• Attention:
  „I only belong when everything revolves around me."

• Power:
  „I am only important when I am in control."

• Revenge:
  „I am hurt, so I hurt others."

• Incompetence/resignation:
  „If I can’t do anything, I will be left alone."

If adults recognize these hidden goals, they can guide the child out of the impasse instead of getting caught up in the conflict.

 Depending on the child’s hidden goal, the adults may choose not to respond, wait to do so or to do it in a specific way.

a) The child is seeking attention:

• Give your child appropriate attention, rather than just the necessary amount – in moments when they are cooperative and independent.
• Encourage your child rather than praising them: acknowledge their efforts, perseverance, and progress rather than evaluating them and the results.

b) The child is reaching out for power:

• Do not engage in power struggles. As good as you can => never.
• Recognize the child’s strengths and channel them into responsible tasks (e.g., tasks in class, asking for advice. Important: Give the child clear instructions and be authentic).

c) The child is seeking revenge:

• See the deep hurt behind the harsh behavior.
• Create space for belonging: class/family discussions, class/family council, exchange about «How do we solve problems?» instead of “Who is to blame?”
• Cultivate compassion and avoid rejection.

d) The child goes to resignation/helplessness:

• Don't let your child's discouragement rub off on you.
• Offer small, achievable steps and consistently convey: “I believe in you and I'll stick with you.”
• Lots of encouragement and clear signals: You belong here. You can do this.

Tips for adults: Your own feelings are a helpful compass.

Therefore, if you feel a certain way, it can indicate what the child/teen might be seeking:

a) If the adult feels irritated, the child may be seeking attention.

b) If the adult feels threatened or defeated, the child may be engaging in a power struggle.

c) If the adult feels hurt, the child may be seeking revenge.

d) If the adult feels helpless, the child may have given up or become internally resigned.

Recognizing this allows you to take a step back internally and respond more consciously.

This self-awareness is a central component both in supervision within the school and educational context and in coaching with parents/teachers.

Helpful conversations take place outside of the acute situation — in a calm atmosphere, without accusations and without long discussions about the past. Possible starting points:

"Could it be that you just want a lot of attention right now while I am so busy with other stuff?”

“Could it be that you'd rather decide for yourself? You know that you are able to decide by yourself?” 

“Could it be that you want to hurt others as much as you yourself are hurting right now?”

“Could it be that you want to hurt others as much as you yourself are hurt right now?"

 When the child recognizes themselves in your sentences, alternative paths can be found together—supported by the family, the class, or group.

When power struggles weigh on everyday life, it is not a personal failure but an indication of complex dynamics.

Counseling supports

• teachers,
• educational professionals,
• and parents

in

• understanding challenging behavior more clearly,
• acting with confidence and a relationship-centered approach,
• and gaining clarity, calm, and a sense of confident action.

Learn more and access courses or articles (check the homepage).

Books:

Rudolf Dreikurs, Pearl Cassel, Eva Dreikurs Ferguson: Disziplin ohne Tränen. Klett-Cotta, Stuttgart, 2009.

Rudolf Dreikurs, Vicki Soltz: Kinder fordern uns heraus. Lizenzausgabe für Bertelsmann, Gütersloh.

Familien-Werkstatt & Andrea Pini (Hrsg.): Emma, Sophie, Max & Co. Erziehungsratgeber Individualpsychologie. 2. Auflage, Kulturbuchverlag, Berlin-Buckow, 2022.

Jürg Frick: Die Droge Verwöhnung. 3. Auflage, Verlag Hans Huber, Hogrefe AG, Bern, 2005.

Rudolf Dreikurs: Grundbegriffe der Individualpsychologie. 10. Auflage, Klett-Cotta, Stuttgart, 2002.

Jürg Rüedi (Hrsg.): Alfred Adler – Menschenkenntnis. Reclam, Ditzingen, 2024.

Carl R. Rogers: Entwicklung der Persönlichkeit. 14. Auflage, Klett-Cotta, Stuttgart, 2002.

Haim Omer: Wachsame Sorge. 2. Auflage, Vandenhoeck & Ruprecht, Göttingen, 2016.

Haim Omer, Arist von Schlippe: Autorität ohne Gewalt. 6. Auflage, Vandenhoeck & Ruprecht, Göttingen, 2008.

Anita Woolfolk: Pädagogische Psychologie. 10. Auflage, Pearson Studium, München, 2008.

Rolf Oerter, Leo Montada (Hrsg.): Entwicklungspsychologie. 5. Auflage, Beltz, Basel, 2002.

Pictures:

Mädchen: Unsplash (30.1.26, 7:44)

Der Schrei: Marco Aurélio Conde (Unsplash), 30.1.26, 7:08